I Know
by Jacqlor
Summary: Hi! I'm Jo Danville, and this is how much I love him. post9x15


**I've been putting off watching the crossover episodes for the longest time. I've seen the trailers, and screencaps all over tumblr and I felt like I wasn't ready yet but I finally gave in and watched both. And this is what happened:**

"…_I was a bit short with you"_

"_You made your point, already forgotten."_

"_I'm sorry I kept you in the dark… if there was any other way…"_

"_I know"_

_I understand. I'll always understand you. _

Jo wiped at the tears that were blurring her vision. She remembered placing her hand on his shoulder before turning away from him. She really didn't need to rush to interrogate Nailah Kalim, but she had to turn away from him because she couldn't bear to look at him in the eye and pretend that everything was okay. Alas, she couldn't keep herself from prolonging their conversation a little bit longer, so she asked about the Russian roulette. And she knew she made the right decision in asking him that because in the end, she was rewarded with that charming smile of his again.

Inside the interrogation room earlier, she did not see what Mac did to Kalim, but judging on Kalim's facial expression, she knew Mac was hurting him. He was willing to do anything, anything at all just to make him talk. He almost breached protocol, and risked everything that he had just to find her. Fortunately, Christine's safe now. She's safe in his arms again.

_He really loves her, so much that he would sacrifice everything, even the integrity that he had been protecting all his life. That's how much he was willing to sacrifice and give up for her._

Jo wiped at her tears again, and smiled a little when she remembered the hug they shared at the precinct. It was the first hug they had for the longest time. It felt good, but at the same time it felt different. There was something missing. It was awkward to say the least.

A lot had changed between the two of them, things that would never be brought back. She kept her distance from him. She would drop a witty remark, a small joke, but not as before; she would retract before he knew it. She had put up a wall between them. And she didn't think that she would tear it down soon.

When she was told of what was happening, she thought of Mac first, then she felt pain when she realized he kept it from her. She knew, she understood why he had to keep it from her, but it did not change the fact that she was hurt. All this time, she did nothing but support him with everything. He did not want her to know what's wrong with him, fine. He asked her to leave him alone, fine. His girlfriend got kidnapped and the kidnappers were toying with his emotions, using it to their advantage, and he did not even told her, his second in command, fine. She tried to understand everything. But her heart was breaking.

"_Mac's lucky to have you…"_

_Yeah? Sadly, he didn't think so. Truth be told, I felt like I was being taken for granted. But not before. Before, when he still sees me as a friend. Before, when I could still talk to him without putting all my defenses up first. Before, when I could say anything to him without heightening my senses in order to detect if his pissed off already. Before, before when he hadn't met Christine yet._

Jo sighed. She had always loved Mac, and not only as a friend. She had hoped that maybe he felt the same way too. Too many people had told her how much Mac had changed since she joined the lab. And she would always dismiss it, saying that she got nothing to do with it. But deep inside, she's happy to know that Mac had changed for the better, that she might had that kind of power and ability, to make him change. Now, she believed that she had indeed changed Mac, big time. Because now, Mac, the man she loved, was now with the woman he loved, and technically it was because of her.

It felt like the joke was on her. She felt like the whole universe was just waiting for her to make that decision to make him an online profile, so that they could materialize their plan to hook him up with Christine. She felt used. She felt betrayed.

She missed his boyish, shy, smile. She missed the way he used to look at her. She missed the way he used to blush whenever she would deliver some sexual innuendos. She missed giving him unsolicited advises. She missed teasing him. She missed sharing meals with him. She missed touching him. He put up a wall between the two of them, and she put up another wall as reinforcement. They're now so close, and yet so far.

Over time, she had learned how to shut off that part of her that loves him. But she couldn't just ignore it. She could push it aside temporarily, but she had always kept her eyes on him, ready to catch him when he stumbled again. That phone call earlier, she had not wanted to take it for fear that she might run into trouble again with Mac. She did not want him to get mad at her again. She did not want him to hurt her again, because it would only prove to her how much she loved him. She could be hurt by him over and over again, but she knew she wouldn't walk away from him. She would just try to make excuses for him. She would just justify his actions. She would always understand him.

Jo pushed her chair away from her desk and stood up. She turned off all the lights in her office and walked out to go home. She glanced at Mac's office on her way to the elevator. She knew he was with Christine at the hospital. It's his turn now to sit beside her bed and watch over her.

Jo entered the elevator and pushed the button for Basement Parking. She would go home tonight, take a rest, and tomorrow she would be ready again to forgive all of his misgivings and all that would happen, still.

Such was the love that she had for him. She was willing to give him her everything also, without asking anything in return.

Jo let out a heavy sigh as she walked to her car.

Tonight, she would hug herself to sleep, taking with her in her dreams the feeling of his body against hers once again. Tonight, she would have something to hold on to, to ease the pain a little bit. Tonight, she would sleep with her own arms around her, but in her mind, it would be his arms, his heartbeat that would be lulling her to sleep.


End file.
